How to title this to not sound like clickbait…

Blogging is such an over saturated industry right now. Not only that, but all forms of media. YouTube has never been so full of makeup gurus and gamers and just random shit. I mean, check out the hydraulic press guys. This couple has grown exponentially since their their first video being posted on Reddit. I’m so happy for them and their content is so simple. I truly love how amazingly open people are about their entertainment online (as long as no one is getting hurt).

All in all, the point is that it’s hard to bring new content to the internet as all thoughts have already been thought before. It’s rather disconcerting, don’t you think? Not to mention daunting.

Pardon some slurred sentences and misspelled words, I just took my nightly medication and my brain is quite fuzzy.

I felt like this would be the right time to write out some things without becoming so emotional. How does one go about talking about private things without the expectation of sympathy or offers for help. I hope no one really follows me because I’m not looking for any of that. I just need an outlet and a Word document doesn’t really fulfill my needs like it used to.

Bottom line is that I want to share my pain, but I don’t want people to feel badly for me. I just want to share my story so that it might help others to know they aren’t alone. And who knows, maybe I can get some sound advice.

I’m a single 26 year old technically homeless female with no kids. I say technically because I am living under my parents roof through their graciousness. I don’t have a real  home and haven’t had one for the past 4 years. Before that, I was married to an emotionally abusive husband for 3 years and finally walked away when he cheated on me. I spent 10 years total of my life with him. It broke me to the core. I didn’t know who I was anymore after that.

Depression took hold of me like a vice around my neck and anxiety grew and grew as I felt that I was worth nothing. I wanted to die.

This quote is one I often think of. I find less and less reason to live. My family keeps me here, hell my cats keep me here. There isn’t much else though.

Let me peddle it back a bit. I deal with chronic back pain and hip pain. It has been this way ever since my injury was sustained as a senior in high school (yes, I was 18) while working as a Certified Nursing Assistant. After high school graduation, I staved off my pain and was never able to get permanent help (military dependent health coverage and all that). So the first year out of high school, I moved out, worked full time and went to school part time for Pre-nursing. Everything was okay. I could pay all my bills. I was free.

Then I got married. At the time, I loved this man more than life itself (isn’t that usually the case). My father always told me “When you love someone, you love hard.” And it’s true. I love with all of my heart and soul. Love and marriage and commitment are everything to me. Honesty is what I demand the most. Our marriage was okay at first. Then he didn’t want to work and my body was slowly deteriorating. It became a struggle to get out of bed and I eventually HAD to stop working. I kept going to school, living off of student loans and church assistance, but that debt is now with me forever. My ex-husband couldn’t keep a job longer than 4-6 months at a time. He withdrew from me when I needed him most. I sought comfort from friends online. I made mistakes, but nothing too big to come back from. I found out he was addicted to pornography and after seeking counseling, he continued to lie to me daily about it. It destroyed me. It tore me down in a way I didn’t think was possible. My self-esteem shattered, I was just an empty shell of a woman.

In the time we were married, my ex left me 3 times due to various reason (he was just too stressed, he missed home and finally because he didn’t love me anymore). During our last separation (not filed for divorce at this point), he slept with someone else. I immediately pulled all contact and told him we were through.

It hurt. It still hurts. I still feel like I’ll never be worth loving. I still feel like I deserve all the bad in my life.

As time went on, I had to move back home with mom and dad. This was okay, until my depression and anxiety began to piss them off. I didn’t want to do anything. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to die. I met someone new online and feel for him hard. He was smart, funny, caring. He was new to all this relationship stuff, but I was patient. I wanted to be there for him; I wanted to help him.

My self-esteem was growing again. I got into makeup and everything that went with it. 

If you’re interested in more images. Here’s my imgur. I haven’t posted anything recently. My drive to put makeup on like before is not really there right now. /: soz

I wanted to learn about skin types, color theory, perfect applications, do’s and dont’s, etc. It made me feel good. It made me feel pretty. My boyfriend was fine with my obsession and I was fine with all of his. We talked about our future after he graduated. I told him I wanted to be a nurse but that my physical limitations would need to be addressed first. He understood.

I went on the ketogenic diet (something I am STILL a huge fan of), but developed servere gallstones with the abundance of fat you have to eat. I lost 30lbs in 2 months doing it and having to stop nearly crushed me.I was exercising at the time as well, but my shoulder decided it was time to give out. So in less than 2 weeks, I was out of one of the only lifestyle changes that had ever worked for me and I could no longer lift weights or walk for long periods of time. I was devastated; depressed. Why couldn’t I just have someone good in my life?

Along with my back pain, I now was dealing with severe shoulder arthritis and muscular atrophy on my right side.

At this time, I’m 25 years old. Obamacare mandated that parents with a child under 26 that they claimed had to have medical coverage. My dad decided to stop paying for my coverage mid physical therapy for my shoulder. In fact, my dad wanted me gone. He thought I was a useless fixture in his home that did absolutely nothing. While I did not (COULD not) work at the time, I did many, MANY things for my mother, who was post-op twice in the time I lived there.

Anyway, it didn’t matter. According to my father, I was wrong and my life was wrong because I didn’t seek out friends or go out at all. (With what money, I might ask?) All the money I had came from donating plasma twice a week.

He didn’t care. He kicked me out at the end of January and I moved in with my gracious brother. At least.. Until his marriage which was 6 weeks away. I kept to myself there and my sister actually found me a part-part time job as a provider for someone in their home. I will always be grateful to her for showing me I could do SOME work.

Unfortunately, the pay and hours combined is garbage money. There’s no way I could afford my own place on it.Nonetheless, I enjoy my work. I enjoy helping others. Being a nurse is still my dream after all.

During this time, I had tried to apply for medicaid several times but was turned down. I have to have kids to qualify? It doesn’t matter than I’m qualified homeless and make 8.25/hr 18.5 hrs a week? Thanks Obamacare. https://i0.wp.com/www.lonelyconservative.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Obama-No-Thanks.png

I live in constant stress and anxiety. I share my mom’s celexa with her, otherwise I’d be dead. I’m pretty sure I’d have takem one of my dad’s guns and just blasted away.

To top it all off, I just lost my car today; a car that was given to me by my sister saying she’d keep making the payments on it. Well, the deal was voided the moment her selfish husband decided that need to stop. So now I have no vehicle and have to be a thorn in my mom’s side in order to get to work.

And just as the icing on the cake, my boyfriend, who tells me he loves me. He also says he wants to be with me. Well.. he decided he didn’t want to move in together despite me being able to find a much better paying job in his area and that he’ll be getting engineering pay. This same boyfriend that promised he’d help me get back into school and get my medical situation squared away.

I feel like I have lost literally everything that mattered the most to me in a single week. Now I have to pick up a third job in order to pay for a car payment and MAYBE be able to move out someday. I can’t rely on my flaky boyfriend, who I shared EVERYTHING with. Who I supported and loved even when he didn’t deserve it. Who never showed me the same love in return without me asking for it.

heart-vs-brain

While it might sound like I’d be better off without him, I just can’t shake this feeling that the past 3 years have been such a waste. All the missed opportunities I could have taken. All the people I missed meeting being with him. It makes me angry. It makes me sad. It makes me feel that once again, I’m simply not worth it. I’m not worth loving or being with. And that hurts most of all.

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s